The Thirsty Goat

Featuring Tallahassee's own

Harvest Gypsies

On stage from 7:00-11:00 pm EDT!


Wow! What an event! If you missed Tuesday night’s showdown, in the immortal words of Jay-Z, I feel bad fo’ you, son, I got 99 problems, but debate ain’t one. The stage was set immediately during a Chicago Bulls-themed introduction, followed quickly by opening statements from each candidate. Dr. Heather Randall quickly asserted herself as the fun, care-free, but exceedingly clever candidate relying on one simple motto: too much thinkin’ for this much drinkin’. Next, Dr. Glenn Johnson offered an intellectual approach focused on national security -both from foreign threats and disease- while also praising his opponents – though we later found out his adoration for Michael might be due in part to the fact that there is a 70% chance he is Michael’s father. Michael Newberry chose to focus his campaign on his Republican values, sticking closely to the bar’s impact on local economics, especially the trickle-down effect of The Thirsty Goat’s success leading to job creation and opportunity for the poor.

Highlights of the first round of questioning and responding include:

· Glenn would like to up the proverbial ante in the bar snack department, including adding beef jerky and wasabi as options to fill caloric needs, though Newberry questioned the economic viability.

· With her background in trivia and themed parties, Heather promised to expand her role in planning successful events at The Thirsty Goat

· Newberry challenged the validity of Glenn and Heather’s work in enzymatic fuel cells, citing a quotation from the Secretary of Energy in which he refers to the fuel cells as the stuff of “magic and Harry Potter.” Glenn agreed in acknowledging that what he and Heather do could, in fact, be considered wizardry and magic. Heather was glad to jump in and establish that she, as the first named author in their collaborative effort, is the true expert in the matter.

· Glenn offered the strongest, most firm stance on crimes against goats, especially by lonely members of ISIS. With ideas including luring in ISIS soldiers with “nanny goats” trained to have superior kegel strength, Glenn took a hardline against the perpetrators.

· When asked about the potential for marijuana to be legalized for medical, then recreational use, Newberry stuck to his conservative values, claiming he has never met someone who said “my life was just humming along, then I started smoking weed and things just took off for me!”

· Heather dove into the topic of aborting unwanted drinks quite mater-of-factly by stating that if a bar patron isn’t able to finish a drink before leaving, maybe that patron doesn’t belong in a bar. Dr. Randall repeatedly reverted to her motto of “too much thinkin’ for this much drinkin’” – a statement most certainly directed toward her wordy counterpart, Dr. Johnson.

After the first round was completed we moved to a short answer format. Highlights include:

· Newberry agreed that being a relative idiot, at least compared to his opponents who he referred to as “ivory tower intellects,” is actually an advantage, as it will help him relate to his potential constituents.

· Heather vehemently denied that her British upbringing has had any socialist influence on her, while also prominently displaying her American Flag earrings.

· When asked about his residency in Mexico Beach, Glenn dismissed any notion that he is an outsider, specifically citing the overwhelming support he has garnered in Gulf County both during the nominating period and so far in the election process.

· Heather was asked why she has not emotionally broken down on the campaign trail a la Hillary Clinton, and if her lack of emotion is a sign she doesn’t care. She responded by alluding to Glenn’s previous answers, which, in fact, made her almost want to cry.

In the final round of questioning the candidates answered in a rapid-fire manner. Throughout the 18 questions, the most interesting facts we learned were:

· Favorite drink: Heather’s, the British Invasion. Newberry’s, the Moscow Mule, Glenn’s, the Johnson Jolt.

· Person you’d most like to punch in the face: Heather answered “Glenn,” followed by Newberry, who also would most like to punch Glenn in the face. Though shocked by Heather’s answer, no one was surprised by Newberry’s choice – after all, who hasn’t wanted to punch his alleged dad in the face before?

In closing arguments, each candidate made a final plea to voters and tied together their answers in what was truly an unforgettable evening!

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